So yeah… I don’t even know where to start but… maybe that’s okay. I guess I’ve just been thinking a lot lately. Questioning a lot of things.
Like… existence… reality… illusion…
Everything feels like… blurred lines now.
It’s not like something major happened suddenly. This has been building up… day after day… month after month… year after year…
Maybe it’s just the weight of all these small things piling up… and me never stopping long enough to actually… sit with them.
I’ve been working non-stop.
Since twenty seventeen.
Different cities… different jobs…
Hyderabad… Bangalore… Chennai… random parts of Maharashtra… Gujarat… and now… Jaipur.
Jaipur… that small business dream…
Which failed.
But honestly… I don’t even feel sad about it.
It was a great learning curve…
At least that’s what I tell myself.
And I actually mean it, I guess.
Because it taught me stuff I wouldn’t have learned otherwise.
After that… life just kept moving.
Transitioned into services…
Started with this company in twenty twenty two…
And yeah… it’s been good.
Good enough that I didn’t really stop to question much.
Workaholic… that’s the word people throw at me.
And maybe they’re right…
Because honestly… work is the only place where my brain shuts up.
Where I feel useful.
Where I feel like I know what I’m doing.
But lately…
I don’t know…
Something feels off.
Not like depression or sadness… but more like… this fog…
Where I’m constantly asking… “Is this it? Is this how life is supposed to feel?”
Is this how a family is built?
Is this how people create their own little worlds?
By being away from their real family…
By working till late…
By coming home to empty rooms…
By distracting themselves with to-do lists and deadlines?
I always thought my end goal was a big house… a family… stability.
And now that I’m kinda somewhere on that path…
I’m wondering… do I even want that anymore?
Or am I just following some script I made in my head years ago?
And about people…
God… don’t even get me started.
Even when I’m surrounded by people…
Even in groups…
I’m just… alone in my own head.
It’s not like I want to be “seen” or noticed…
In fact… half the time… I don’t even want anyone to look too closely.
Because honestly… I don’t know what they’ll find… and I don’t know what I’d say.
I drift in and out of conversations.
Like… physically I’m there… smiling… nodding… saying all the right things…
But mentally…
I’m miles away.
In my own loops.
In my own thoughts.
And the worst part?
I’ve become so good at playing whatever version of me each person expects.
Five people… five different versions of me.
And none of them… feel like the real one.
But then again…
What even is the real one?
I don’t know anymore.
I genuinely… don’t know.
And when I do get moments to sit alone…
My brain doesn’t want to.
It’s like… this restless, noisy thing…
Screaming… “Don’t sit still! Don’t think! Let’s do something! Anything!”
Let’s work. Let’s scroll. Let’s call someone.
Anything but… sitting with these damn thoughts.
I’m tired…
Not just work-tired… but mentally… emotionally…
Like my brain is carrying… I don’t even know what.
Invisible weights…
Roles I never chose but picked up anyway…
Habits I created just to cope…
I don’t even know where this is going.
I don’t even know if I want answers right now.
I just… needed to get this out.
Somewhere.
So yeah… that’s where I am.
Right now.
Sitting here… after office…
Typing this out…
Not knowing what tomorrow brings…
But just… here.
Breathing.
Thinking.
Or maybe… trying not to.